and reporting my emopunk.net account as fake is the biggest idiot try hard ever.
yes, this is my account, yes you are a moron.
thanks for playing.
It’s not that I’ve decided not to. It’s that I’ve decided certain things are more important. Life’s been pretty retarded as of late.
So I guess I shouldn’t neglect this too much…
Life’s been kind of chaotic, but here goes:
So lately things have been pretty rough. Not only with getting myself on track as far as going through with transitioning, but also with getting myself a job and a place outside of my parents. I don’t feel that comfortable exploring my sexuality with them around. I have been dating a guy since 04/23/2012. He’s amazing, spectacular and definitely my soulmate. Problem? I still think about girls at least 50% of the time. Keeping myself from straying isn’t always hard but sometimes it gets rough.
I know deep down, I’m a good person. I can’t cheat and I can’t hurt someone…
But I don’t want my decisions and especially if I get on T to effect our relationship worse. I don’t want to be dominated by thoughts of women. I doubt I will. Because, mentally, I now I’m a guy who likes guys at least 75% of the time. The problem is the daunting “what if”s that I constantly have to say “it’s not worth it.” Though, he doesn’t consider females for me cheating…[how original]…
Anyway, the drama:
I decided to move in with my brother for three weeks. It was pretty much a vacation to hell. He and his girlfriend DO NOT get along. Ever. But being that I had asked my guy to move up here from Texas, it wasn’t fair to subject him to that kind of stress so early on. He had barely known me before coming up here. But the urge was pretty strong. There’s something about Texas. I don’t know…I just have this magnetism to guys from Texas.
So, my brother’s girlfriend  decides to push me, rub me the wrong way. So instead of doing my normal routine of mopping up my brother’s kitchen because his shit-loving dogs had just pooped everywhere - I decided to talk shit about her as loud as possible. I knew she was awake and through a paperthin wall. It always eats away at her when someone doesn’t like her. So it was fairly easy to piss her off. Then my brother blames me for the dogs shitting all over the kitchen. Even though, one of the owners of the house was home and could have been awake earlier in the day to let them out. So, I called my mom, had her come get us and take us from that shit-hole. Literally and metaphorically.
Now, as a somewhat intelligent being, I knew I was being taken advantage of. Sure, I wasn’t paying for anything. That’s great and all but when you move into another person’s house you shouldn’t have to babysit one of the co-owners. She left glasses of liquids around EVERYWHERE and left a bowl of captain crunch in the skin EVERY morning. It was just a pain in the ass.
Thank God things have been getting…somewhat better?
Now our AC unit is out and has been for a couple days. Guess what the temp was? 90 degrees. 87 in the house. I’m just wondering what kind of self-deprivation I have to do before the luck changes. Oh, and I’ve gone anorexic due to some modeling difficulties. I’ve decided to go back to being 110 pounds. But, I’ve stopped eating completely. I know it’s bad, I know it’s wrong…but when I look at myself, I still hate myself. I guess changing isn’t going to solve that, either.
Eventually, one day…I might be able to get over that self-hatred…but I doubt it will last. It’s never lasting enough to change my confidence or self-esteem. I often dream about what it’d be like to live another life. Hopefully not being born female, but if so - at least an attractive, feminine one. I’m too old-souled to even consider being a ditsy female. I cannot and will not. but the drama of modeling is extremely annoying. My co-models are all nice, except for this stripper bitch who thinks she’s awesome. -___- Yeah, in your bra.
Anyway, enough boring shit from me. How is everyone else?
If anyone every treats you like this, or messages you online like this, what do you usually do?
Awww Thank you so much anon. <3